You may not intend to hurt your relationship, but what if subtle, unconscious behaviors are quietly eroding trust and intimacy? Many couples face this challenge, often unaware that their actions—or inactions—are sabotaging the very connection they’re striving to build.
The surprising culprit? Your subconscious mind. Research shows that 95% of our actions are driven by subconscious patterns, often rooted in past experiences or unresolved emotional wounds. Without addressing these deeper issues, even well-meaning individuals can fall into habits that damage their relationship.
Let’s explore these behaviors and how understanding your subconscious can help you build trust, improve communication, and foster a stronger connection.
How Your Subconscious Shapes Your Relationship
Your subconscious mind operates like an automatic pilot, guiding your reactions based on past experiences. If you’ve been hurt, betrayed, or dismissed in the past, your brain might create defense mechanisms to protect you. While these mechanisms may have served you in the past, they can manifest as harmful behaviors in your current relationship.
For example:
If you experienced neglect, you might over-schedule yourself, avoiding closeness to prevent vulnerability.
If trust was broken in a previous relationship, you might subconsciously push your partner away by being overly critical or dismissive.
Recognising and addressing these patterns is essential for ending sabotaging behaviors and creating a healthier partnership.
Subtle Behaviors That Sabotage Relationships
Dismissiveness
What it looks like: Brushing off your partner’s concerns as unimportant or overreactive.
Why it’s harmful: It signals that their feelings don’t matter, eroding trust and emotional safety.
Over-Scheduling Yourself
What it looks like: Filling your calendar with work, social events, or hobbies, leaving little time for your partner.
Why it’s harmful: It creates distance, signaling that your relationship isn’t a priority.
Passive-Aggressiveness
What it looks like: Using sarcasm, giving the silent treatment, or making backhanded comments instead of addressing issues directly.
Why it’s harmful: It builds resentment and prevents productive conflict resolution.
Avoiding Difficult Conversations
What it looks like: Changing the subject, shutting down, or walking away when conflicts arise.
Why it’s harmful: It prevents problems from being resolved, leading to emotional disconnect over time.
Seeking Validation Elsewhere
What it looks like: Turning to work, friends, or social media for affirmation rather than your partner.
Why it’s harmful: It creates emotional distance and undermines intimacy.
From Sabotage to Strength
Laura and Mike, both in their early 40s, sought help when their marriage felt stuck. Laura admitted to over-scheduling herself with work and gym sessions, while Mike struggled with dismissing Laura’s concerns about their lack of connection.
When we met, they were desperate to resolve the turbulent negative cycles but they had hesitations around how marriage counselling would help. They had been to other counsellors and psychologists previously but nothing worked.
Here's the difference - I heavily focus on process (i.e. the workings of the subconscious and watch out for subtle cues that signify the gateway to the solution), as opposed to just the 'content' (i.e. stuff that's actually irrelevant like who cleaned the dishes).
Laura and Mike discovered that their behaviors were rooted in subconscious fears. Laura’s tendency to over-schedule stemmed from a childhood where emotional closeness was scarce, making her equate vulnerability with danger. Mike’s dismissiveness was a learned defense from a past relationship where emotional openness had led to betrayal.
By addressing these subconscious patterns, Laura and Mike began to rebuild trust and improve communication. They also attended a relationship retreat, where they practiced being present with each other and learning tools for emotional connection. Today, they report feeling closer and more aligned than ever.
How to Stop Sabotaging Your Relationship
Identify Your Patterns Take time to reflect on your behaviors and how they might be rooted in subconscious fears or past wounds. Journaling or working with a therapist can help uncover these patterns.
Practice Active Listening Focus on understanding your partner’s perspective rather than reacting defensively. This builds trust and fosters better communication.
Carve Out Quality Time Prioritise your relationship by setting aside dedicated time for connection. Whether it’s a date night or attending a wellness retreat together, intentional time strengthens intimacy.
Address Unresolved Wounds The key to ending sabotaging behaviors is healing the root cause. Marriage counselling or attending a relationship retreat can provide the space to work through unresolved emotions and improve your connection.
Communicate Openly and Honestly Share your feelings and fears with your partner in a non-blaming way. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel hurt when…” to express your needs clearly.
Your Next Step Toward a Healthier Relationship
The key to stopping subconscious sabotage is awareness and action. By understanding how your past influences your present, you can begin to change the patterns that hold you back. Whether it’s through individual reflection, counselling, or attending a retreat, taking steps to heal will create space for a more fulfilling, loving partnership.
If you’re ready to start improving communication and building trust, marriage counselling online or in person may be the key - complete the form below to get started and see if we are a good fit!
Attending a relationship retreat or wellness retreat can also provide a focused environment for growth. These retreats allow couples to step away from daily distractions and work on reconnecting, resolving conflicts, and fostering emotional intimacy. Consider joining our exclusive luxury wellness retreat, as spaces are selling out fast!
About The Author

Dr. Sarah is a highly sought-after psychologist and relationship coach specialising in helping high-net-worth individuals, entrepreneurs, and business leaders create thriving relationships. With a proven 90% success rate in transforming marriages, she focuses on rebuilding trust, improving communication, and fostering emotional intimacy. As the founder of Relationship Success Lab and host of the Dr. Sarah: Relationship Success Lab podcast, she provides expert insights into overcoming relationship challenges, healing from trauma, and achieving secure, loving partnerships. Connect with Dr. Sarah to optimise your relationship health and unlock the power of fulfilling connections.
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